How to Survive Chinese New Year Without Booking a One-Way Ticket to Nowhere

Confession.

Chinese New Year is the only time of the year where you can gain three kilos, lose one month’s salary, and question your entire life direction within 48 hours.

In the 1960s, we lived in kampong. We wore the same clothes every day. Chicken and bottled drinks were luxury items. You saw them once a year, like Halley’s Comet.

That was why Chinese New Year felt magical.
New clothes.
Ang pow money.
Free flow of orange juice.
Chicken.
Snacks that only appeared once a year.

Fast forward to today.
Kids can order KFC any Tuesday. Mala hotpot on Friday. New clothes anytime there’s a flash sale. CNY is no longer a festival. It is… a long weekend with extra calories.

But whether you like it or not, CNY gathering is still compulsory for most Chinese families.
Some people escape overseas.
Some suddenly “need to work.”
Some mysteriously fall sick.

For the rest of us, here is the survival guide.
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1. How to address everyone without offending the entire bloodline
In Chinese families, hierarchy is not simple.
There is:
Second Uncle.
Third Uncle.
Fourth Uncle from mother’s side.
Eldest Aunt.
Auntie’s husband who is not really uncle but must call uncle.
Cousin who is older but looks younger.

One wrong title and you demote someone instantly.
The safest formula:
If they have white hair, say “Uncle” or “Aunty.”
If they are younger, say “Handsome” or “Beauty.”
Confidence covers confusion.
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2. The ang pow dilemma
Every year I queue at the ATM for hours like I’m withdrawing ransom money.
Thirty people ahead.

You exchange for new notes. Crisp. Fresh. Painful.
Then comes the silent competition.

The kids will compare.
“Eh how much did he give you?”
Suddenly your generosity becomes public data.

Too little, you are stingy.
Too much, you spoil market.
Ang pow is not just a blessing.

It is an economic signal of whether you are rich or poor.
When you are broke, you don't want people to look down on you but you cannot afford to show off.
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3. Buying the festive goodies
Bak kwa season is the only time Singaporeans willingly queue two hours for pork and pay premium pricing.

Pro tip: buy new year goodies at the last minute. Vendors stare at unsold stock like it’s their unfinished business. That is when discounts appear. Suddenly prosperity tastes 20 percent cheaper.
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4. The annual performance appraisal
CNY is LinkedIn, but offline. Aunties become HR managers.
“Got girlfriend?”
“Still single ah?”
“When getting married?”
“When having baby?”
“Why so fat?”
“Why so thin?”
“What happened to your job?”

You smile. You nod. You swallow pineapple tart like emotional support.
If you failed an exam, lost your job, or are still figuring life out, it feels like standing under a spotlight.
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5. How to survive conversations
Not everyone wants deep sharing. Some people master the art of strategic distraction.
Stare at the TV.
Refill drinks.
Play with toddlers.
Scroll phone with intense focus.
Or stick to your favorite cousin. Every family has one safe human. Find that person.
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6. Lo Hei survival
When the raw fish appears, everyone stands up like it’s a ritual exam.
You lift the noodles high.
You are supposed to say auspicious phrases.
Half the time, nobody remembers the full script.
Solution: shout “Huat Ah!” with confidence.
Volume covers vocabulary.
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Despite all the awkward questions, the queues, the spending, the forced small talk, there is something quietly beautiful about it.

One day, the house will be quieter.
One chair will be empty.
One voice will not ask irritating questions anymore.

Chinese New Year is not just about oranges and ang pow.
It is about showing up.
Even when it is inconvenient.
Even when it is awkward.
Even when it hurts your wallet.

Because family gatherings are like bak kwa.
Sometimes too sweet.
Sometimes overpriced.
But one day, you will miss the smell.

And when your turn comes to ask the annoying questions, please be kind.
Otherwise your children will book that one-way ticket next year.